tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87019532448243940772024-03-06T02:49:04.959-06:00Kosher GranolaJewish, Crunchy, and Striving for BalanceKalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.comBlogger560125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-62430753953447918502021-01-31T21:53:00.019-06:002021-01-31T22:04:44.287-06:00Zane's Questions - Section 6<p> </p><p><br /></p><p>ZANE'S QUESTIONS - SECTION 6</p><p> If you haven't already read about Zane and her questions, please do so here: </p><p>http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html</p><p><br /></p><p>Section 6 - 6 Questions</p><p><b>1. What can you do today that you could not do a year ago?</b></p><p>I can say that I am married!</p><p><br /></p><p><b>2. Can love last a lifetime?</b></p><p>Love can and does last a lifetime for friends, family, children...and I would venture to say romantic love can as well. I have deep connections will almost all of my romantic love interests from the past who got an "I love you" from me. My love for them may have changed, but love in the broadest sense still exists.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>3. Would you rather lose all of your memories or never be able to make new ones?</b></p><p>Considering my mother has dementia, one of my greatest fears, and that I have blocked a lot of my childhood memories out, I try not to be attached to old memories. I think I would rather lose memories and be able to make new ones - since I exist in the here and now. </p><p><br /></p><p><b>4. Describe a "character" of a person from your childhood. </b></p><p>I don't know that I entirely understand what this question wants me to do so I will describe a character trait - I had a religious school teacher named Eileen. The character trait I much appreciated in her was her Loving Kindness: חסד – Chesed. Eileen saw that I was a lost child, and that I had a rough family life. She reached out to me, over and over, visited me at home, took me places, and made a place for me. She was an adult I could rely on, who was full of patience and kindness. Her chesed made a huge difference in my life.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>5. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try out?</b></p><p>I would like to be a private detective or a person on the force who take a look at unsolved cases with a fresh eye!</p><p><br /></p><p><b>6. What is the best prank you have ever pulled?</b></p><p>The best prank I ever pulled was on my oldest daughter, Alia. Nevi and I found a bus id of a local student at U City high in the street by our house. Treyvon Johnson. We told Alia we found it in her room, and I asked if she was sneaking people into her room. We kept this up for many days, asking how it got in her room if she wasn't sneaking people in when we were asleep. After all, we never saw her have any friends over. Finally, we had to pull the plug on the joke. We still tease her about it today, mainly because we were almost getting a fake confessions out of her because she didn't know how it got in there! Poor dear! We returned the id to the school, and hopefully Treyvon had no issues using the bus!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin29fQ5MeclCAE-vaS-RI83vJ8zBR5KrMTYeDsW1VfHjkNLYvlVJ1P8rpjKELzj2fs4u5fjai3tRmqiN1qxMzQFuIikJYpOtJjN2FYhCruSH8xoJabIUUEeTPmFJHUTX4AheFKe2XpWJhx/s2048/IMG_5334.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1365" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin29fQ5MeclCAE-vaS-RI83vJ8zBR5KrMTYeDsW1VfHjkNLYvlVJ1P8rpjKELzj2fs4u5fjai3tRmqiN1qxMzQFuIikJYpOtJjN2FYhCruSH8xoJabIUUEeTPmFJHUTX4AheFKe2XpWJhx/s320/IMG_5334.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-20540594834230136992021-01-19T15:02:00.001-06:002021-01-19T15:02:43.497-06:00Losing It Slowly (Hebrew That Is)<p>Slowly I've been losing my Hebrew skills. I am one of those people who can't memorize well, and so when I daven or read text, none of it is from memorization and all of it is me reading. A lot of things contributed to this loss of skill...</p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><p>(1) Teaching children on Shabbat and missing out on 1 year of services</p><p>(2) Taking a year off of services the very next year due to fatigue and family matters</p><p>(3) COVID</p></blockquote><p>Now, though, there is no excuse. I need to improve the accuracy of my Hebrew reading, gain back some word-meaning skills, and read much more quickly than I do right now (which is slower than a snail!). </p><p>I have also lost my laining skills but that will have to wait for now. Beginning tonight, I am getting off the old tukkis and am going to begin an Advanced Hebrew Reading course. My highest hope is that my vocabulary understanding improves and that I can begin to read much more quickly. </p><p>Wish me luck!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnXOFzhKItYKAezLQYqrsZEPiU8EVs5Kc7G8dQHPau2lFwzKiZYeAbBcgIWjrVxVqP1k8vVcwdn6xuu-fQlyKoZ-XdmsMg5WdT92sx8RIegjbn6QArSodUFLTQDXfeWLPTcksACfpC3ZCp/s2048/hebrew-letters-colorful-scaled.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1216" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnXOFzhKItYKAezLQYqrsZEPiU8EVs5Kc7G8dQHPau2lFwzKiZYeAbBcgIWjrVxVqP1k8vVcwdn6xuu-fQlyKoZ-XdmsMg5WdT92sx8RIegjbn6QArSodUFLTQDXfeWLPTcksACfpC3ZCp/s320/hebrew-letters-colorful-scaled.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-48036883801803372492021-01-12T18:33:00.002-06:002021-01-12T18:33:47.100-06:00Zane's Questions - Section 5<p> <span style="text-align: center;"> If you haven't already read about Zane and her questions, please do so here: </span></p><p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html">http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Section 5 - 6 Questions</div><div><br /></div><div><b>1. What are you passionate about?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>One would think this would be easy to answer but on-the-spot, for me at least, it isn't so clear cut. I am passionate about homeschooling, Judaism, gentle eating (vegan), animal rights, Autistic rights, Disability rights, Feminism (my own brand, not any particular wave), treating children as if they are people and not property...that being said, when someone says "What are you passionate about?" I imagine replies like music, art, painting, songwriting, poetry. writing, climate change activism, photography, knitting, etc. It is just that my "passion" for the list above does not match the kind of passion I imagine passionate people I know. So when I read this question, I feel blank. What am I passionate about? Maybe this will be what I focus on in 2021 - finding my passion.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>2. If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Volunteer at a Jewish organization and do programming - from brainstorming to fruition. I miss the level of involvement in doing that when I was at Nishmah, and the scale of programming that I was able to help with. </div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>3. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>I would be in my mid to late 30s.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>4. What are your memories of 9/11?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div> I was home sick from work. It happened. My work called me - each employee except for 1 - and asked who I thought it was. The Palestinians? The Saudis? All their guesses were Middle Eastern in origin. I remember thinking - no, not the Palestinians. This was an organized crime, and likely had training stations, many networks of people involved, and more. The Saudis? I didn't think a country such as Saudi Arabia would be involved in this level of terrorism against their oil clients. Osama Bin Laden's network wasn't on the average American's radar at that time or at least he wasn't on mine. I remember wondering who would do this? I honestly thought it might be domestic terrorism from a White Supremacist group. And I remember thinking, who ordered the people to stay in their offices of building #2, stating it was safe, when it wasn't? Who the hell did that? Little did I know, I was pregnant with Alia when this happened. I was likely only a couple weeks or so at that time. I am sure had I known, I might have had even more heightened responses to the tragedy. As it stands, I believe I was shocked at the whole thing - that someone would do this, and that others would encourage people back to their offices just before the 1st building collapsed and damaged the second one. Honestly, it took several days for me to process what had happened, and to feel a deep shame at humanity and what it had become. </div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>5. Would you ever consider putting your parents in an old age home?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Yes. Socialization and mental stimulation are super important in aging people. My grandma enjoyed her stay in an old age home, even got a boyfriend, and was well cared for. She loved our visits, and we all rotated doing her laundry, visiting, enrolling her in activities, and making sure she was happy. That being said, if I was going to do that, it would need to be near me, and at a well-respected facility. The key is lots of visits, interactions, and a high degree of oversight.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>6. Do you like to shower in the am or the pm?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Both. I love to shower after I workout in the am, but the pm holds some weight in that it is a nice calming way to prepare for bed after a strenuous day.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqnu9Wl0G52PL4zB5YQqgvydPaprWrI0hNwzczadN3Ijq6feJbYSi8Ikpn1JEWNvkjkeQZ3lDSkYClMsT4k-Sq5TbhSreF0rxKMRhxcDQyxf95i1telnYiGBmne-F6jZ6DNz0mhb0_PQaL/s1200/325725_2200-800x1200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqnu9Wl0G52PL4zB5YQqgvydPaprWrI0hNwzczadN3Ijq6feJbYSi8Ikpn1JEWNvkjkeQZ3lDSkYClMsT4k-Sq5TbhSreF0rxKMRhxcDQyxf95i1telnYiGBmne-F6jZ6DNz0mhb0_PQaL/s320/325725_2200-800x1200.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-29164992188089481882021-01-07T12:32:00.003-06:002021-01-07T12:35:41.027-06:00Zane's Questions - Section 4<p> <span style="text-align: center;"> If you haven't already read about Zane and her questions, please do so here: </span></p><p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html">http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Section 4 - 5 Questions</div><div><br /></div><div><b>1. Describe a piece of artwork that was in your childhood home.</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>There was an African statue called "The Beggar" that was in our sitting room, main visible item from entering the front door. It was tall - when I was 12, I think I was the same height of it. The person in it was thin, and stood slightly bent with a tall cane or tree branch at his side. He held a dish/bowl close to him. After I read The Hunger Artist, I visualized this statue at the main character of that story. The story of how it was acquired is longish. The shortest version is that a man saved my dad's life in Vietnam. He was face down in a puddle after being hit by shrapnel. This guy crawled out in the crossfire, and dragged my dad back to safety. Years later, he hit hard times, this hero. For a variety of reasons, my mother did not want to help this family in any meaningful way and so my dad would go to his shop on Cherokee, and buy artwork to help his out. This piece, The Beggar, is from his shop. I wish I had it now. I have no clue what happened to it. I liked the piece, though. </div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>2. Would you rather be too hot or too cold?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div> When I am hot, I think I would rather be too cold, and when too cold, I would rather be too hot. That being said, when I get too hot, I pass out so it is probably safer to choose cold.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>3. How many pets have you had in your lifetime?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>9 dogs; 8 cat</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>4. What did you wear for your first grade school photos?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>I have no memory of this, and my parents generally didn't buy the school pictures.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>5. If you had to pick three people in your life to name as your "fairy godmothers," who would they be?</b></div><div><br /></div><div>I had trouble answering this with Rachael when we went over some of these questions a few Shabbats ago. Hrmmmm...I really don't have any fairy godmothers or fathers for that matter. At one time, Boulter Kelsey was a close fairy godfather. My fairy godmothers are my friends - the ones who step in to help me up when I fall down, who celebrate successes with me, who call when I isolate, who remember me when I have forgotten myself. Rachael. Tegan. Danielle. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLYN7TNeglCux3GmUNCapglIDduGo9B4TGIUk_GZhMzZLObsa1mk2CVhLixcLIbnEWOTqEpTw8KWqY_EUwBdpF9T4_0bU_L2Qown6kktiSyr0_rAQrr8KeQZcQ_B2VBu9JcMWA2mMxlVY8/s450/4c94bf5069252f6d2f79409128de54cf.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="327" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLYN7TNeglCux3GmUNCapglIDduGo9B4TGIUk_GZhMzZLObsa1mk2CVhLixcLIbnEWOTqEpTw8KWqY_EUwBdpF9T4_0bU_L2Qown6kktiSyr0_rAQrr8KeQZcQ_B2VBu9JcMWA2mMxlVY8/w233-h320/4c94bf5069252f6d2f79409128de54cf.jpg" width="233" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-81675672551323588482021-01-06T11:49:00.004-06:002021-01-06T11:51:18.553-06:0051 on 1/5<p> Yes, it happened. I turned 51 years old somehow. I've never understood this phenomenon of it being rude to ask someone's age or to tell one's age. It is just a number, and it puts life experience and events into perspective. I've never been embarrassed to offer my age nor do I find it offensive if someone were to ask me. I have been here for over 50 years on this earth, in this Universe. I am a child of the 70s, a teen of the 80s, a young adult of the 90s, and so it goes. </p><p>Birthdays are not something I usually make a big deal out of. In the past, my gig has been to find lovely dive bars around St. Louis, invite lots of friends, and have a drink there for my birthday. I have found some great bars that way, and enjoy a lot of fun memories with my friends. Due to COVID, that clearly was not possible this year!</p><p>Instead, my morning began with coffee in bed and a gift from my husband -- a desk for the bed!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg84WYRgCVIPuvQV0MvrziM1zTMF4yOl07qvl0jFp_X3ZQ7NfYRrCrfhnHhjbSboflOUwBK8m9DVJ1nSt4s2Aiu7o8QJ1rWVYb6mricsrF564j7tRV-ZPNb1WaAMM_YHVPsuaSGZ5Z6Fbc1/s2048/135855559_1885316314966259_5063395420837387158_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg84WYRgCVIPuvQV0MvrziM1zTMF4yOl07qvl0jFp_X3ZQ7NfYRrCrfhnHhjbSboflOUwBK8m9DVJ1nSt4s2Aiu7o8QJ1rWVYb6mricsrF564j7tRV-ZPNb1WaAMM_YHVPsuaSGZ5Z6Fbc1/s320/135855559_1885316314966259_5063395420837387158_n.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Upon coming downstairs, Nevi had spent the whole evening the night before cleaning the sitting room, dining room, and the extremely dirty kitchen as a birthday surprise for me! Not only that, she had set up fresh flowers, a candle, my favorite candy, and a tray on the dining table, and was in the middle of cooking me some tofu scramble!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1PX8I4_YTZ_W4SpKBpiWIZyFGUE7hzeKg0cIdbg-SSdN9mSc8R4PIMrmdnJISbFESXpHeStxbgZjA_8BWHt46RsJLAnDfbEdbFeQTNmMxUS9fwNwgLaLgrbQYzJ96H-OuH5NDOXFjIZAU/s2048/134989012_256182665928911_7000410389710484823_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1PX8I4_YTZ_W4SpKBpiWIZyFGUE7hzeKg0cIdbg-SSdN9mSc8R4PIMrmdnJISbFESXpHeStxbgZjA_8BWHt46RsJLAnDfbEdbFeQTNmMxUS9fwNwgLaLgrbQYzJ96H-OuH5NDOXFjIZAU/s320/134989012_256182665928911_7000410389710484823_n.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmxIxCXvLeP5IObTsZ7MCwILsCkY3jZcQ51UiQOKEWAXXQ1n8ftGkVF4sU4mf2olS7BdP8P_HlL5PN0IHTp1Uch7-hv9abv2nglEzK1VdUwnS7Rnd_7zEuy2-sRKiczmpC6dXr2ee-lNum/s2048/135465830_897310511010216_2453782236327065996_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmxIxCXvLeP5IObTsZ7MCwILsCkY3jZcQ51UiQOKEWAXXQ1n8ftGkVF4sU4mf2olS7BdP8P_HlL5PN0IHTp1Uch7-hv9abv2nglEzK1VdUwnS7Rnd_7zEuy2-sRKiczmpC6dXr2ee-lNum/s320/135465830_897310511010216_2453782236327065996_n.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghTfrw7KseCGh7W3y8RceLneLH-LjGV_JDI5DHZ2TRekmLNuCSJYv9Kr3t5rRaC3rQP5UwOP2pfNHIq1SlKE23H9o95cM7Ei_f-jHBuOyJy0q9LhoCOqMHbPvWxMgyGPNkAopE-izEtA82/s480/136058383_234466978119000_5129193926721556447_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghTfrw7KseCGh7W3y8RceLneLH-LjGV_JDI5DHZ2TRekmLNuCSJYv9Kr3t5rRaC3rQP5UwOP2pfNHIq1SlKE23H9o95cM7Ei_f-jHBuOyJy0q9LhoCOqMHbPvWxMgyGPNkAopE-izEtA82/s320/136058383_234466978119000_5129193926721556447_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">From there, it was off to get me a winter coat! My coat somehow shrank (or I somehow gained too many pounds for it to fit properly). First store we went to ended up being the place I found my coat. It is really warm, and is rated for -14 degrees F weather.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhymygN-LI51H8A27EwQoK4QUUuo7aG5e05sAfc4okDgkre8VTMhq8v1xwogW9V4QVWiQ9rGnVtRdw8s8fwERTpiB_ZB0UDfZGdlhLCLNHi1OqSZt60fztaZuyU84-SVRfKhxvq1MDapMn_/s2048/135621598_2888056308150469_5549967947374298246_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhymygN-LI51H8A27EwQoK4QUUuo7aG5e05sAfc4okDgkre8VTMhq8v1xwogW9V4QVWiQ9rGnVtRdw8s8fwERTpiB_ZB0UDfZGdlhLCLNHi1OqSZt60fztaZuyU84-SVRfKhxvq1MDapMn_/s320/135621598_2888056308150469_5549967947374298246_n.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Will and I also drove around for a while, sipping coffee, talking and laughing. Once home, and after a looooong nap, Tegan came by for some wine, and then it was time for a pedicure! We were both masked, and no one was sitting nearby (they have 6 seats between each person which is well over 6 feet in distance). The toes look great and the feet feel wonderful!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAXbUKij8c-jpuUCLF37UPXQZWfvUa2ECTRwxpz8SmkZCu15Kzy64_I2W6gCUS2Pu_cz702rv_SB9jS9Je_kB9dOMkAspDHRA2bN3ZW_-vTK_mCEeoEmSSt-sbiDmnu91LU7JnOlTQZ-yR/s480/134653553_172247591308597_781515843143583383_n+%25281%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="352" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAXbUKij8c-jpuUCLF37UPXQZWfvUa2ECTRwxpz8SmkZCu15Kzy64_I2W6gCUS2Pu_cz702rv_SB9jS9Je_kB9dOMkAspDHRA2bN3ZW_-vTK_mCEeoEmSSt-sbiDmnu91LU7JnOlTQZ-yR/s320/134653553_172247591308597_781515843143583383_n+%25281%2529.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Dinner with the kids and movies projected on the wall finished the evening. It was overall one of my most favorite birthdays!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-69356367359663347272021-01-01T10:38:00.000-06:002021-01-01T10:38:15.666-06:00Zane's Questions - Section 3<p style="text-align: center;"> If you haven't already read about Zane and her questions, please do so here: </p><p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html">http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Section 3 - 8 questions</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>1. What is the most beautiful thing you saw today?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">The most beautiful thing I saw today was two people sitting down to discuss their relationship, basically checking in with each other to see how each is doing. Yes, that was Will and me. Still, it is beautiful - communication and vulnerability and willingness.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>2. Have you ever been snorkeling?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">I have not and I really have not had any real desire to do so. Two of my favorite animals live in the water - Beluga whales and octopuses. I don't think they could be observed by snorkeling but if they could, my desire to do so might kick up a degree.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>3. Describe your first art teacher.</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">I don't remember having an art teacher until high school. I have always known her name but in this moment, I am forgetting it. She was petite, her voice froggie, her energy high. I loved art growing up, but didn't get a lot of attention in this class, or encouragement. The teacher was good at what she did artistically, but like a lot of artists I know, was drawn to "beautiful" people. That wasn't me. Those students got a lot of encouragement, one-on-one help, extensions to project due dates, and specialized direction.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>4. What is a thing that you really wanted to have as a kid that you never got?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">This question could go two ways! One way, the answer is attention/validation/interest. I was a hyper child, and my parents couldn't tolerate it. It caused my mom to ignore me or over-medicate me, and my dad to beat me. That being said, don't feel bad for me. I made it through my childhood, and I don't harbor grudges and I have not become an unhealthy person due to it. The other way, the answer is a GI Joe. I have no idea why I wanted one, but I did, and I never got it. I eventually got the Pound Puppy I wanted, and eventually got the Cabbage Patch doll I wanted, but never did get the GI Joe.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvbkt7XlkTUfQAEdTUX1MAFBnMt9Ljf6i_6cOA1bWgVyr2bXmxH3Uaq3s-ePwdYQgTXj2sWNS_H9DQYvWPyuk76ER3zBgDDlVqTSi84GbigbXF40oM6dPKCZq98NT90hVf-rH2VLHGTfnE/s700/G75header.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="226" data-original-width="700" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvbkt7XlkTUfQAEdTUX1MAFBnMt9Ljf6i_6cOA1bWgVyr2bXmxH3Uaq3s-ePwdYQgTXj2sWNS_H9DQYvWPyuk76ER3zBgDDlVqTSi84GbigbXF40oM6dPKCZq98NT90hVf-rH2VLHGTfnE/s320/G75header.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>5. What is the meanest things you have ever said to someone?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">I've said plenty of mean things throughout my life, usually out of feeling overly vulnerable or PMS crabby when I was bit older. Can I remember the meanest thing I ever said? Probably not. I can say it probably hit straight to the core of another person's insecurity. I don't do that often, but especially when I was younger and more impulsive, I have engaged in not being as nice in some situations as I wish I had been.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>6. Have you ever thrown up in public?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">Yes, every single time I have been pregnant. Every. Single. Time. In other people's lawns after pulling the car over, in trash cans in a store, in bathroom toilets without the door shut because there simply wasn't time, etc. I threw up for 24 weeks with Alia and 17 weeks with Nevi. Every day. Multiple times a day. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>7. Would you rather grow a tail or sprout horns?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">Sprout horns. They are less intrusive to day to day life. They could be incorporated into fashion with either accessories or with hairdo preparation. And I am Jewish after all...(bad joke - sorry!)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>8. What were your first sleepover experiences?</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">At first I was thinking my first sleepover experiences were with the Young household (Tori and I) but upon a little reflection, it was with Janie White! This is when we lived in Blue Springs, MO, and I was in the 5/6 maybe 7 year age range. I loved to go to Janie's house. They had a humongous beanbag in the corner of their family room. Almost as tall as the ceiling. When I spent the night there, we would pull that thing out, and her brother Mike, Janie, and I would watch cartoons sitting on it. I am not sure what their background is, but they all had beautiful brown skin, jet-black straight hair, and delicious foods that I don't remember completely but was always excited to see what was made as we did not eat these foods at home. Being the overly pale kid with frizzy reddish hair, I always admired Janie's long, straight black hair! Janie and I took tap together, and used to perform together to a song called "My Magic Hat is Magic." We used to go with others (adults) to nursing homes, malls, other places. We went on just after the 2 dancers who danced to "Hit the Road, Jack." That song was our cue to get ready. Between the beanbag, the food, tap dance practice (which we always did at sleepovers) and just the lovely kind friendship Janie and I shared, sleepovers there were always a good time.</div><p></p>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-68776873828973790692020-12-31T11:39:00.002-06:002020-12-31T11:39:44.867-06:00ROOTED<p style="text-align: center;"> We interrupt Zane's Questions with a brief word about the New Year...</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizv-4aMBrFLTf6Zs4cql1wCKQ9yY3O_NDfxsfaaKUylF_EluVXJdDq_WvBQXr48JVtI8lutA0l1hhOQ7sDQrbM2g4PRFdEs4nylU_pWq1sGMPb5AgJKk_zydtUPWMolbL6G7DEm45SI0jy/s2048/Rooted.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1642" data-original-width="2048" height="514" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizv-4aMBrFLTf6Zs4cql1wCKQ9yY3O_NDfxsfaaKUylF_EluVXJdDq_WvBQXr48JVtI8lutA0l1hhOQ7sDQrbM2g4PRFdEs4nylU_pWq1sGMPb5AgJKk_zydtUPWMolbL6G7DEm45SI0jy/w640-h514/Rooted.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p>Every secular New Year's eve, I pick an inspiration word and make a little printable poster as a reminder. Some past year's words have been SIMPLICITY or FOCUS. This year, though, I chose ROOTED. Here are some of the thoughts I've had that led me to choose this word.</p><p><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Signika; font-size: x-large;">ROOTED</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">grow inner roots</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">a physical desire to be grounded</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">to do solid work - make, create, touch</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">like a seed in the ground, there is a desire to sprout roots</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">become, becoming</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">rooted and established in love</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">rooted in Torah</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;">reach, grow, bask in sunlight</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Architects Daughter; font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p><br /></p>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-26664505309983263152020-12-30T12:21:00.003-06:002020-12-30T12:35:43.626-06:00Zane's Questions - Section 2<p> If you are just joining this Zane's Questions series, please go here first to read about Zane, her questions, and why I felt inspired to answer them.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html">http://www.koshergranola.com/2020/12/zanes-questions-section-1.html</a></p><p><br /></p><p>Section 2 - 6 Questions</p><p><b>1. Would you prefer to be smart or happy?</b></p><p>I don't know that I believe that happiness is a tangible thing in that I believe it is fleeting and not a permanent state. However, I would choose to be happy. I don't value people by their intelligence and I don't value myself that way either. </p><p><b>2. Do you believe in past lives?</b></p><p>Yes, completely. Since I believe in reincarnation, past lives is an inherent part of that. I believe we are made up of what I will call body - spirit - soul. Only one of those are reincarnated. The bodies change, and the thing that is responsible for personality when combined with the other two, spirit, changes. The thing with eternal essence is the soul. That is the inhabitant across lifetimes.</p><p><b>3. Have you ever cheated on a test?</b></p><p> No. I have always felt strongly about cheating in any capacity.</p><p><b>4. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?</b></p><p>I've changed my name before. That is how I have my current name. If I had to change it again, I would change it to Pnina. I love how that sounds. It means Pearl in Hebrew.</p><p><b>5. What would be the title of your memoir be?</b></p><p>Tripping Over Myself - A Memoir of Forgotten Times</p><p><b>6. If you had a time machine, would you go back in time or into the future?</b></p><p>My inclination is neither but if I had to choose, it would be the future. My past is filled with too many struggles that I do not wish to either relive or have to remake choices.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8fFMu4rjKQHOkMlGH4NxjEDIm2i4mEi2EMJMG4J65-_STdRN_eEavK7q1Igp4uQzd5eonkvVdN_jeWr6Uz6q9Kv2p9DvFh8OQNj02ub3agNKp3Dgym2YpQMQ1X01AlumArj4wuIKhe7o3/s213/z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="213" data-original-width="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8fFMu4rjKQHOkMlGH4NxjEDIm2i4mEi2EMJMG4J65-_STdRN_eEavK7q1Igp4uQzd5eonkvVdN_jeWr6Uz6q9Kv2p9DvFh8OQNj02ub3agNKp3Dgym2YpQMQ1X01AlumArj4wuIKhe7o3/s0/z.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p><br /></p>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-27148340274888029152020-12-28T12:36:00.002-06:002020-12-28T12:56:49.437-06:00Zane's Questions - Section 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiy_cUiPCrnSXXs-S7Z_xOWHqZIWK37006t_PTgyYyfOuN2fAhMOjnKki-uFW2gELi4lorKqxcla_sAVw6Syz-UjeIj__RtxmUTfhYiF1g2l0S4YLiB7xQyVX5vZSQaH-FLm32W3ts6hK2/s685/560-zane_kenig.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="685" data-original-width="560" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiy_cUiPCrnSXXs-S7Z_xOWHqZIWK37006t_PTgyYyfOuN2fAhMOjnKki-uFW2gELi4lorKqxcla_sAVw6Syz-UjeIj__RtxmUTfhYiF1g2l0S4YLiB7xQyVX5vZSQaH-FLm32W3ts6hK2/s320/560-zane_kenig.jpg" /></a></div><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: #fff2cc; text-align: start;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><i>bringer of light, artist, dancer, writer, devoted friend, deep thinker, <br /><b>asker of questions</b>, lover of beauty, singer of music, and beautiful soul</i></span></span></p><p><br /></p><p>I didn't know Zane Z"L personally. She had already left this Earth when I met her father, and a few of her friends. However, I am moved by her. Her life. The unending amount of love and support both when she was alive and now today, some four years later. Her presence is still active, and her energy still a part of the Universal energy that pumps through those who knew here. I can tell. I can see her influence on them even now. </p><p>These are the questions that Zane wrote. She came up with them about 6 months before she died, at a time when her dad, Joey, and a friend of hers were having frequent conversations. Both Zane and her friend were in Eating Disorder treatment at a local facility. When they were at a certain level, the kind that allows one to live at home instead of being inpatient, the three of them would meet at Zane's dad's house. The friend is Autistic, making it hard for her to feel comfortable speaking in groups. Zane's aim was to make up questions that might draw her friend into the conversation in a comfortable way. It went something like this -- Zane would pose a question, and Joey answered first. The chances of Joey saying something that the friend wouldn't expect were pretty high, and this unexpected response would prompt the friend to join the conversation. It worked. The three had many conversations over the some 400+ questions that Zane composed.</p><p>The unintended byproduct of this practice is that Joey now has a journal if you will, a reflection or a slice of part of Zane's inner life at that time.</p><p>My part is this: the questions have drawn me in, even without Joey's unexpected replies, even without Zane here to ask them. And so with Joey's permission, I am going to attempt to answer Zane's questions. I want to answer them as if I am at the table. There isn't a lot of time to reflect when in person, and I intend to take a thoughtful moment of about 15 seconds, and then answer. These answers are for Zane. These answers are for me. And these answers are for Rachael, who was also struck by these questions, and was the person who explored the questions with me originally.</p><p>There are many sections, and between 2 and 6 questions usually per section. The first section though has 18 questions. 18 = Life in Judaism. This is not lost on me as I begin to answer Zane's Questions.</p><p>Section 1 - 18 questions. </p><p><b>1. What was learning to drive like? Who was your teacher?</b></p><p>For me, it was easy. We had driven from time to time as young children on my dad's lap. Steering. Hitting the gas pedal when able to. My dad was my teacher, and it was a relatively easy and pleasant experience. I didn't have many pleasant experiences with my dad, but I remember learning to drive was one of them.</p><p><b>2. Where did your family keep the grocery list when you were growing up?</b></p><p>My family did not keep a grocery list growing up. Is this a 70s thing? I don't remember ever being asked for input or even giving input on what I wanted from the grocery store. When I was 16, and could drive, a few times my mom handed me a list, arranged by store, and I only went a few times to do this kind of errand.</p><p><b>3. If you were homeless, where would you go and what would you do?</b></p><p>I think about this a lot because one of my fears before and since giving birth and/or becoming a parent is the fear of becoming homeless and what I would do. I would go to a friend's house. In their basement. I would first arrange for someone to watch my dogs, rats, gecko. And then the children and I would go to Tegan's or Rachael's or Heidi's basement. That was before Will. Where would we go now? I need to explore this with Will. We should have a plan for when I disaster-scenario.</p><p><b>4. What is important about a hampster?</b></p><p>I might have known, when I was younger, and co-owned with my sister three hampsters - Happy Romeo Chappell I, Happy Romeo Chappell II, and Happy Romeo Chappell III. I think with all pets, and this can certainly be applied to hampsters, what is important is the companionship and care taking and sense of purpose that they provide.</p><p><b>5. If slavery is prohibited, what can be said of sex-trafficking?</b></p><p> What can be said? Slavery is prohibited, and sex-trafficking is, too. But it is hard to regulate, to discover, to find, to prosecute, to rid the earth of. One of the more popular porn sites in America, Porn Hub, was shut down temporarily and all of their uploaded videos that were unverifiable - we are talking thousands of videos - were taken down. Why? Sex-trafficked minors, previous trafficked minors now adults, and adults who are actively sexually trafficked had videos of them that were uploaded there. They are being raped and forced to perform. If you watch porn, you are participating in this, in sex trafficking, unless you are watching a genre called "ethical porn" where each performer is vetted for a variety of markers. What can be said of sex-trafficking? It is widespread. It is accessed by people who don't even know they are accessing it. It is a hurtful, hateful, dehumanizing form of slavery. It is prohibited, but we all know that doesn't mean anything. It is happening right now. All. Over. The. World. Where I live, St. Louis, Missouri, we are KNOWN for sex-trafficking. What can you do? https://www.state.gov/20-ways-you-can-help-fight-human-trafficking and https://www.themuse.com/advice/4-ways-anyone-can-fight-human-trafficking.</p><p><b>6. What would you have been named if you were the opposite gender?</b></p><p>I don't know what my parents would have named me if I had been a boy or inter-sexed. </p><p><b>7. Name three people who have changed your life.</b></p><p>It would be easy to say Chandler, Alia, Neviyah - my children! And they have changed my life considerably. I will add them as one and name two more. <br /><br />My children. <br /><br />The Lubavitcher Rebbe. No, I am not Chabad. However, it has been the Rebbe's teachings, his ingenuity, his line of people who have inspired me to become more observant, to become Orthodox, to live my life in a way that creates meaning.<br /><br />Boulter Kelsey. My boss from days past. My pseudo-father figure. First person to take a chance on me. Believe in me. Encourage me to be more than my childhood experiences. </p><p><b>8. What was your favorite series of books as a kid?</b></p><p>I didn't have a favorite book series as a child. I went through periods of not reading. I was an outdoorsy kid. Fort building. Bike riding. Woods dwelling. My parents didn't provide a lot of books for me, and I tended to spend as much time as I could outside. Now, I want to add, I may not have read a lot but I wrote poetry from as early as I can remember.</p><p><b>9. What was the "happiest time in your life?"</b></p><p>This is a hard one. I think it was in the early 90s when I was in University, independent, learning new ideas and new things. I remember thinking I had a long and full life ahead of me. I couldn't wait to get to class, to learn about literature, read more and more books, learn about the world I lived in. It was one of the most hopeful times of my life.</p><p><b>10. In elementary school, what were three of your career aspirations?</b></p><p>I wanted to be a teacher, a detective, and a dog trainer.</p><p><b>11. Have you ever had a garden?</b></p><p>Yes, Nevi and I participated in a community garden in University City for two years several years ago. I just mentioned the other day that I wanted to do that again this summer.</p><p><b>12. If you had to put your philosophy of life on the t-shirt, what would it say?</b></p><p>Follow the light within. </p><p><b>13. If you wanted to relax, what kind of music would you listen to?</b></p><p>Billie Holiday</p><p><b>14. Were you breastfed or bottle fed as a baby?</b></p><p>My sisters were both breastfed, but I was bottle fed. My mother almost died in childbirth, and so she stayed in the hospital when I came home as an infant. My grandmother stayed with us to help care for me.</p><p><b>15. Would you rather see a movie at home on a DVD or at the theater?</b></p><p>It depends. I like watching movies at home, though admittedly, I stream them. On occasion, it is nice to go to the theater. I like to go to the theater on Halloween (since we don't celebrate it) with my children. It is our tradition. And I like to go to the theater with Mitch. I tend to like old theaters, like the Tivoli and Hi-Pointe.</p><p><b>16. Have you ever been on TV?</b></p><p>Yes! When I was pregnant with Alia, I took a Pregnant Belly Dancing exercise class. One of the news stations came to film our class. They wanted all the pregnant women to lift their shirts and do the class with their bellies showing. I declined for modesty reasons. I had to argue my position, and since I did pay for the class, they pretty much had to let me. I was easy to find on the TV spot! Ha!</p><p><b>17. Do you believe in the death penalty?</b></p><p>The short answer is that I do not support the death penalty. At. All. For a variety of reasons, some of which are the racial and economic injustices that are woven tightly into the court system, the idea of taking another person's life is a power-position that is dangerous, and because I feel it is morally wrong. That being said, I do believe in it in societies where a dangerous person cannot be contained, like a nomadic society where there is too much risk in trying to keep the person from harming or killing the other people who make up the community. It is only in that circumstance, if there is such a circumstance, where I would reconsider my view.</p><p><b>18. What's one thing you wish you had known as a freshman in college?</b></p><p>(1) I don't actually ever become homeless (see question 3 above); (2) Life will always be a struggle for me so I need to gear up for it; (3) I am going to have some beautiful and also high-maintenance children - it would have been nice to do some extra learning about empathic children prior to taking on parenting (not that I didn't figure it out - I did - but it would have been nice to be properly prepared).</p>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-81302330695540563712020-12-27T15:33:00.007-06:002020-12-27T17:04:51.968-06:0051 Insights on Turning 51!<p> </p><p>Soon, in less than 10 days, I will turn 51. As is my tradition most years, here are 51 things about me at my almost age of 51!</p><p><br /></p><p>1. Life sure is different with a big kitchen as opposed to my older, smaller one.</p><p>2. U City's simple beauty and feel never ceases to amaze me.</p><p>3. I have been exercising on average 4 days a week. That is a huge improvement from the big 0 for the past few years.</p><p>4. Thursday nights are my favorite because Rachael and I cook for Shabbat dinner and day. We drink a little wine, we cook a lot of food, we listen to 80s music, and we talk.</p><p>5. Rafi, nicknamed "The Intense Eye Contact Dog," has become even more loving and loyal to me in the past few months. It can be annoying but mostly it feels good that he trusts me so much.</p><p>6. Bowie, big boy Bowie, is still sweet, goofy, and afraid to roam the house. As least he will go in the kitchen now!</p><p>7. The university funding process is confusing, scary, and downright hateful. It should not be this difficult.</p><p>8. I am finally falling into a role at Bais Abe. When the interim rabbi left, and COVID hit, everything I did that was meaningful for my shul disappeared. Although I am not exactly where I want to be, I am at least starting to find purpose in it again.</p><p>9. Homeschooling middle school is challenging. I will leave it at that.</p><p>10. Vegan jambalaya - wow!</p><p>11. Music used to be something I turned to when I wasn't overwhelmed with life but living with a musician husband has placed it in the forefront again, and for that, I am thankful.</p><p>12. Although my business isn't doing great (thanks COVID), I seem to be less freaked out and stressed about it. Somehow, I have been able to have a more accepting approach, and am glad we are still alive and moving forward.</p><p>13. I am married! I know I mentioned is above but it feels good to have a life partner that is square in my court. </p><p>14. Grateful Dead is still my go-to cleaning music, pick-me-up music, and dance-in-the-shower music!</p><p>15. I am excited to be able to participate in assisting my new clients' business to be - more on that when they launch!</p><p>16. I miss Brandi and Bradley living close by, and I definitely miss seeing Bailey!</p><p>17. Spring water makes me smile.</p><p>18. Disappointing that Yang didn't make it to the presidency but thankful that Trump is on his way out.</p><p>19. It is hard to let go sometimes of things I cannot control.</p><p>20. I would like to say it is sunny all the time but the fact is that I have been harmed by the circumstances of my last marriage, and I am still not in the place I want to be since experiencing divorce. That may sound strange, considering that was a while ago, and I am now re-married. However, the depression it threw me into still sometimes affects my lens. Not in a good way. And so I have to work hard, sometimes successfully/sometimes not, at being the healthiest me possible.</p><p>21. Nature is still an important part of my life. </p><p>22. Once I was an avid camper, and the depression took that from me. I would like 2021 to be the year it comes back to me.</p><p>23. We are connected - all of us - regardless of religion, race, identity, gender, economic status, class, disability, ability, language we speak, area we live in, political affiliation, age.</p><p>24. That being said, we are also all separate, with our own lenses, experiences, cultures that shape us and form us into who we choose to be.</p><p>25. I believe in G-d.</p><p>26. I believe in the Universe.</p><p>27. I believe in Humanity.</p><p>28. Every person has inherent worth and dignity.</p><p>28. Rats make great pets. They are social, friendly, lovable.</p><p>30. Geckos make great pets. They are quiet. Slow. Interesting.</p><p>31. I will do a lot of things to bond with my children, like watch Walking Dead and also American Horror Story. </p><p>32. Ritual is mystical. It could be mundane but instead it elevates, it creates opportunities, it becomes a foundation.</p><p>33. Racism is alive. </p><p>34. Sexism is alive.</p><p>35. Anti-Semitism is alive.</p><p>36. Love is possible.</p><p>37. Change is possible.</p><p>38. Connectedness is possible.</p><p>39. Never underestimate the power of Fajita seasoning blend from Penzy's. Never.</p><p>40. Weekly menu planning has been a blessing in disguise. </p><p>41. Animals and Earth's creatures should be respected and treated with love and wonder. I am vegan for the animals.</p><p>42. Torah is everywhere.</p><p>43. Who knew I would dig a short nap in early afternoons?</p><p>44. Grief is like the ocean - it ebbs, it flows, it overwhelms at times, it is in the distance at times. </p><p>45. I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am not a warrior or any other popular "ideas" or "names" people think is empowering. I am something else. I am like a person who walks through a blizzard, or a sandstorm, or climbs a mountain. I may get knocked down. But I get back up. And I keep moving.</p><p>46. I love the quietness of an art museum; the smell of a used bookstore. </p><p>47. I am a no-makeup, used clothing, no fuss kinda girl.</p><p>48. I do not belong to a political party or a specific wave of feminism, though I am a political person and an avid feminist. My politics and my feminism don't fit any of the molds available at this time.</p><p>49. I love and support Israel.</p><p>50. I miss Jerusalem.</p><p>51. I can feel your energy, usually the negative stuff first, and the hurt second, and everything else last if I allow myself to not block after the first wave of it.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhxZEOzE6PqlUGZQreIEQAL4w0Ur9GnicNUDDH1aCNcafta4cSKW-agWl1jAbHAdAzjW5z0J4jo3CYpFgrSdLw5BR1caLzDuFR9AcPtX-HgtNoX1qLnZugeRHpkwk0Q-KOCMK1wJjaFL-W/s970/1189f3adc58691b43294f1bce14e02fa.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="546" data-original-width="970" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhxZEOzE6PqlUGZQreIEQAL4w0Ur9GnicNUDDH1aCNcafta4cSKW-agWl1jAbHAdAzjW5z0J4jo3CYpFgrSdLw5BR1caLzDuFR9AcPtX-HgtNoX1qLnZugeRHpkwk0Q-KOCMK1wJjaFL-W/w400-h225/1189f3adc58691b43294f1bce14e02fa.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-42786696245098406152020-07-07T19:03:00.001-05:002020-07-07T19:03:13.026-05:002020 is Out to Kill Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><div><br></div><div>My sweet Sol is now gone. Today at 12:30 pm, we were ushered into The Room. He was given a tube to administer drugs through his leg. And we said our final goodbyes. Upon pushing a button, that rang like a doorbell, the doctor appeared, and administered the first of three substances to end Sol's life. </div><div><br></div><div>The first was a sedative, and when it hit his blood stream, Sol nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck, and there he lay for the sleeping medicine and the flush to push the drugs through. It was after the third that he took his last breath. He left us. </div><div><br></div><div>Nevi and I cried. A lot. Nevi wailed. Loudly. Without abandon. Her pain came from deep within her belly, and it echoed pain from every part of her being. </div><div><br></div><div>The drive home was hard. I tried to remember positives - it was peaceful, he was surrounded by love, he left before he was in too much pain. Nevi turned to me with hurt in her eyes. "Let me grieve my way!" she shouted. And then she listed every wrong she felt she had ever done to Sol, she lamented that he didn't know it was going to happen, she screamed out to G-d about how she hates life, and she begged G-d to let him meet up with our other dogs, Mordi and Motek, in the afterlife.</div><div><br></div><div>Her pain hit me doubly hard. I came home and slept for hours. Hard sleep. The kind you wish you had never woken up from. And then her dad called. His truck is broken down again. He can't finish the load he is driving. I can't expact child support for a while. There is no money. I'm just numb right now. </div><div><br></div><div>The dog. Money. Work. Children. Homeschooling prep. Changes. Life. It's too much. It feel like too much.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm going to sit. Cry a bit more. Take some deep breaths. And get up again, and move forward. What else can you do? There is nothing I can do but keep moving. </div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-84299788872006327662020-04-23T06:29:00.001-05:002020-04-23T07:44:13.279-05:00That TimeSo that time has arrived. My mom was evaluated for hospice, and was approved. It's that time where we cannot visit due to COVID-19, where even if I were able to, the circumstances are such that it is hard to see how this past year has gone down. There is a layer of complication to me processing because this is how it was with my great grandfather. My grandma. Now my mom. I am on my third witness of it. The effects of dementia. The withering of memory, recognition, body. The shitting yourself all the time because you eat liquid meals or because your system just doesn't do things properly. The falling out of bed, over air, and eventually just standing causes the fall. The not knowing who your loved ones even are. It's complicated because I overthink - will this be me? Is my lack of recall the start of this? Is my inability to pull up a word I want to use the slow kick off to this deterioration of the brain? Who will make sure I'm okay?<div><br></div><div>And you may know, it is complicated with my mom. I had a lot of energy as a child, and I ran like a wild animal for most of like childhood and teen years. That energy was too much for my dad. It was too much for my mom. It ended in a lot of beatings with one parent, and a lot of avoidance for the other. </div><div><br></div><div>And so it is with mixed emotions that I navigate all of this. Childhood things are popping up. The horrible condition my mom is in is invading my mind's pictures. And a pervasive fear that this will be me eventually is wrapped up in this, too. </div><div><br></div><div>Mostly though I'm just sad for my mom. How her ending is taking shape. I'm hoping this is quicker rather than slower. Less suffering rather than more. More dignity rather than less. And I'm trying to reach back to find good memories before I can't remember them anymore. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><br></div><div>*picture not credited on internet</div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-68156533297346301762020-01-08T23:56:00.001-06:002020-01-08T23:56:48.315-06:00Beauty StandardsI won't lie. The hardest thing about aging as a woman is how many of us go to great lengths to cover up any signs of it. This sets women up to be hyper-critical about ourselves with regard to the normal aging process. I notice things. Wrinkles around the lips. The neck - oh dear gods - the neck! I also, in that same breath, try hard to remind myself that is this what is supposed to happen. I'll take Jamie Lee Curtis natural over Madonna plastic surgery any day. But still... It isn't easy. I acknowledge it. I process it. I learn to love myself every day. I learn to embrace my imperfections every day. This is me. No filter. No makeup. Just woke up and heading out the door. #StrongWomenFight #StrongWomenLove #StrongWomenAreNotPerfect<div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My new community is small, and I haven't really been able to participate in Shabbat like at my old synagogue. This is my way to compensate, and I am very much enjoying it.</div><div><br></div><div>7. My house is for the most part clean! I have been in a slump, and being run over with clutter has been a thing. Not any more! Not for 50!</div><div><br></div><div>8. My biggest immediate goal is to clean and rearrange my bedroom. It looks like a hoarder lives in there. I need that space to be an oasis, and I'm starting it today, on my birthday.</div><div><br></div><div>9. Still love the Grateful Dead!</div><div><br></div><div>10. Still love feminist punk rock!</div><div><br></div><div>11. Still love Billie Holiday!</div><div><br></div><div>12. I've been in a relationship now for over a year. He is sweet, and super kind. It is healthy, supportive, and dependable. I really have a lot of love in my heart for him. I feel extremely blessed</div><div><br></div><div>13. My two dogs have both driven me nuts and provided so much companionship. Although I complain about them a lot, they are very much loved by me.</div><div><br></div><div>14. I'm starting Nach Yomi on January 9th through the Orthodox Union's Women's Initiative. It is taught by women but is open to everyone to study. It is a two-year cycle.</div><div><br></div><div>15. My ASL skills have all but disappeared. I will be reconnecting with my teachers hopefully once a month to practice with them, and will be undergoing a combination of online self-study and in-class study through the Deaf, Inc.</div><div><br></div><div>16. I am extremely pleased with the upswing of my life right now, so this is my shout-out to my friends who have come through for me in so many ways. My inner circle and second tier are made up of amazing women and men who I am blessed to know.</div><div><br></div><div>17. Coffee. Almond milk. Sometimes a shot of hazelnut. Mmmmmmm!</div><div><br></div><div>18. Favorite group game: Codenames!</div><div><br></div><div>19. Favorite two-person game: Right now it might be Rummicube.</div><div><br></div><div>20. Favorite quick thinking group game: Set</div><div><br></div><div>21. I still enjoy homeschooling even as it becomes more difficult as the student becomes older.</div><div><br></div><div>22. I thoroughly enjoy having two daughters who engage in art. Their paintings, paper work, and pastels grace my walls, and I get such joy from seeing it.</div><div><br></div><div>23. I absolutely LOVE living in U City.</div><div><br></div><div>24. I love my synagogue, Bais Abe. It is a beautiful community and I learn so much there. Last year, I took the year off of going to services for a variety of reasons. I am looking forward to reconnecting to community davening.</div><div><br></div><div>25. I've also become involved with another synagogue called Neve Shalom through the person I am dating. Although I don't attend services because it doesn't fit with my Shabbat halacha or practice, it has a sweet community and I enjoy going to its events when they don't fall on Shabbat.</div><div><br></div><div>26. My company, MK, is alive, and we are working really hard to revamp it after a slow, slow year.</div><div><br></div><div>27. Mourning never ends. I will say though that I've cried a lot less over the losses I've experienced in last two years. It doesn't mean I love those individuals any less. I think it reflects an adjustment, and a clarity of focus on sweeter moments with them.</div><div><br></div><div>28. My 50th year is my year of nourishing myself. Let the care-taking begin!</div><div><br></div><div>29. Favorite color: Orange.</div><div><br></div><div>30. Drink of choice: Water! I'm rediscovering how delicious spring water is!</div><div><br></div><div>31. I can't believe my oldest daughter is preparing for college! It is in my 50s that she will embark on this journey.</div><div><br></div><div>32. I've come a long way, baby! I'm making this list before coffee.</div><div><br></div><div>33. I love that two of my friends are right down the street from me. Only houses away.</div><div><br></div><div>34. It used to be Chopped. Now it is The Great British Bake-off.</div><div><br></div><div>35. I derive so much nachas from my youngest daughter's ukulele playing, original songs, and overall connection to music.</div><div><br></div><div>37. I love a fire in my fireplace.</div><div><br></div><div>38. Nature.</div><div><br></div><div>39. Pedicures.</div><div><br></div><div>40. Yang 2020.</div><div><br></div><div>41. I think I am pretty much done with bras. I may decide to wear from time to time if needed for modesty reason with regard to a particular shirt but I'm pretty much done with them. It's a sensory thing. They really make me feel restricted and uncomfortable.</div><div><br></div><div>42. If you think that is too much information, you may not actually know me in person. I'm an open sharer. </div><div><br></div><div>43. Favorite place to get coffee: Cursed Coffee</div><div><br></div><div>44. My kids are trying to pressure me into getting a Great Pyr/Anatolian Shephard pup from our favorite rescue. It's tempting. I miss my Motek (my Pyr/Ana mix that died a few years ago right before my birthday) so much.</div><div><br></div><div>45. I used to go to the symphony periodically when Boulter was alive, many, many years ago. In another life. It has been lovely to go again, thanks entirely to my guy/my boyfriend who kindly invites me to accompany him. </div><div><br></div><div>46. I treasure my every other week Shabbat with my neighbor. It is an intentional and connected way to bring in Shabbat. </div><div><br></div><div>47. I am looking forward to a year of slow time. Not over-booking life. Cultivating all the pockets of community I have. Connecting more deeply and making more time for my family, both biological and chosen family. </div><div><br></div><div>48. G-d, Hashem, Universal Director, Source of All Things... However you describe, however you experience, however you conceive... </div><div><br></div><div>49. Torah is everywhere. </div><div><br></div><div>50. Love is the answer. Always. </div><div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div></div><div><br></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-31249208784002745532019-12-22T08:50:00.000-06:002019-12-22T08:52:13.805-06:00Chanukah IntentionChanukah begins tonight. As many of you know, I've been doing a little women's Breslov studying. I learned this morning that one should stay near the Chanukah lights after lighting them, and by doing so, one inherently reconnects or wakes up to being closer to G-d. Who knew Chanukah lights were like the Shofar! A wake up. A call back/an invite to return.<br />
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This Chanukah, my intention is to turn inward, to access this auspicious time near the lights to soak in the Divine presence, and then use that energy for love, joy, and supporting/encouraging others.<br />
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"It is easy to criticize others and make them feel unwanted. Anyone can do it. What takes real effort is picking people up and making them feel good." -Rebbe Nachman of Breslov<br />
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<br />Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-22613974546965788452019-12-09T12:37:00.001-06:002019-12-09T12:39:10.531-06:00College Bound<br />
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Applying to colleges and universities are much different today than they were, I think, when I went to school. I simply filled out a student loan form, submitted my ACT score with a few details about myself, received an acceptance, and then picked my classes. Done! It was almost an on-the-spot process.<br />
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I do remember having a little bit of difficulty getting student loans because they wanted my parents' financial information. By the time of my application, I had already been living on my own for quite a while, and my parents were not participating in my education or living arrangements. Other than that little snafu, it was a simple process.<br />
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Fast forward to now - the daughter-bot has been accepted to a small school (SIUE) not too far away. She turned in her school records, her ACT scores, filled out an elaborate application, and I can't remember if this was one of the schools that required an essay. I just filled out the FAFSA form online, the one parents have to fill out prior to being able to apply for student loans. It took about an hour or so to fill out. She also had to fill out a FAFSA form which she did. Now we wait one week to see if she qualifies for financial aid. Then the school will send a financial award letter. After that, if there is any further money due, I assume we fill out paperwork for further coverage/student loans? Anyone?<br />
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This whole process makes me soooo nervous. Since I am still homeschooling, am single-parenting, and basically working two part-time jobs (my company and my shul), my income is super low as is my time availability. I hope we can get everything covered by loans, and then her father and I can help her pay it down slowly over time.<br />
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The only thing that makes me feel better about this whole thing is that a new Wonder Woman movie is coming out. Wonder Woman 1984 with...Gal Gadot again. Yay!<br />
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(What does that have to do with college financials, you ask?) (Nothing!)<br />
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<br />Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-34199139098936848782019-10-30T23:09:00.001-05:002019-10-30T23:39:32.216-05:00Remembering<br>
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The time line of loss. <span style="background-color: #d8dfea;">Michael Ray</span> in March. Then Tyler Chapman in October. My beloved Motek in January followed by Mordi in February. Then <span style="background-color: #d8dfea;">Alisa Siegel</span> in April, just after Michael's 1st yahrzeit. This past week, just 2 short years ago, I was at the hospital, holding Tyler's hand, unaware that he was already brain dead. Helping Lisa fill out the forms for organ donation for her son. Trying to manage Lisa's grief and behavior as she was nearly being kicked out of the hospital. Negotiating with security, the hospital. Begging them to let Lisa stay with her son. Trying to help her conform so she could stay</div>
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Connecting with her son, Joshua. Worrying about my own children as I left them for hours upon hours to be with Lisa during this tragedy. Calling my sister to come take my place. She has better skills than me. And I was too close to the situation.</div>
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Then came the weeks of spiraling drug and alcohol abuse mixed with a healthy dose of mental illness and suicidal ideation. I somewhat knew early on after Tyler died that Lisa wasn't going to make it.</div>
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But today is Tyler's day. It's his yahrzeit. This kid with so much musical talent. So much to give the world. This is the lesson, friends. Sometimes kids can't get past their childhood, especially if they have no supports. They turn to harmful coping mechanism or ways to dull the pain. Tyler was worth more than he was given. And he is missed, by his brothers, his aunt, uncle, great aunt, cousins, relatives, friends.</div>
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Give Lisa a hug for me, Tyler. I hope you are both experiencing peace. </div>
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Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-58726413174345733242019-10-28T13:17:00.000-05:002019-10-28T13:18:38.603-05:00Joy and DepressionIt seems a little <i>bashert</i> that I decided to study Rebbe Nachman <i>zt"l</i> in this new year because a lot of themes that run through his teachings have to do with joy. Since experiencing the surprise uprising and ultimate destruction of my marriage, I have battled what I can only assume is depression - a dark feeling, a hopeless feeling, a lack of motivation. In the last year, I have done a great job of digging myself out of that semi-permanent state, but I still have occasional days that overwhelm me. And I have days where I feel lonely. Extremely lonely.<br />
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Rebbe Nachman says that one has to fight depression with joy. That sounds like a tall order when one is feeling down. However, he puts all of this into a perspective, or chunks, so that is it easier to draw a line from one to the other.<br />
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First, Rebbe Nachman says that to get closer to Hashem, one needs a settled mind. Why? Because when one's mind is not settled, we make bad decisions. Decisions should only be made when happy. "...depression makes it impossible to direct your mind." He even goes so far as to say that first you should be happy, and then you should be religious. He tells us that we have to fight - the mind will naturally go to what is wrong. The fight is in having a growth mindset, one which is open to moving from an ego state to a soul state.<br />
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Heard "fake it till you make it"? Yes...there is a little if that in this whole thing. Rebbe says that three things we can work on changing - (1) FOCUS, when depressed, we focus on what is wrong; the change is to focus on what is going right. (2) PHYSIOLOGY, when depressed, we slump and diminish ourselves; the change is to sit up straight, move around, be known. (3) LANGUAGE, when depressed, we mumble, we don't ask for what we need, we suffer; the change is to speak up, put energy behind what we say.<br />
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The ego state is one in which we focus on our needs and wants. It is a fixed view. "This is what my life is." The soul state is open, focusing on what is right and good, and able to tap into joy no matter what the circumstances. The Rebbe said if you cannot find happiness, borrow it. If you think, I will laugh about this later. Laugh now. Just do it.<br />
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In Lesson 24, the Rebbe said that depression is the result of "fail[ing] to focus on the purpose of this world." Instead, we do three things that destroy the heart. We focus on MONEY, we do not control our EATING, and we engage in LUST. When we focus on obtaining these things, or when our expectations are such that we do not meet a perceived result, we are solidly in the ego state.<br />
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Money is the biggest part of what drives my dark days. I worry about meeting bills, something I have never had to do before. I work too many hours and then burn out. I don't curtail spending in the worst of times. The Rebbe ssays that chasing after money and things will never bring joy that is lasting. The Rebbe also discusses eating in terms of control, meaning that what we put into our bodies determines how we feel. When we don't "leave bread on the table" after eating, then we are basically letting Hashem know that Hashem did not give us enough. Being conscious of what we put in our bodies and how much we put into our bodies is one of the first steps to reducing unhappiness. Lastly lust, chasing after a feeling of pleasure, strongly puts one in the ego state. Eliminating these three ego-states moves us to the soul-state, and re-focuses us to the purpose of the world.<br />
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What does all this mean practically? Here is my way of incorporating what I have learned into something I can use in my life. I'm open to feedback, of course.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #b45f06;"><b>When my mind goes to financial disaster, I can focus on what I need to do immediately (if anything) to resolve the current issue, and then focus on the fact that we have food, a home, clothes, a car, and that at this moment, we are okay.</b></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #b45f06;"><b>When I encounter a trigger that entices me to eat unhealthy, or to drink to excess, or disregard my health, I will tackle it head-on by remembering to "leave some behind on the table" for Hashem, and willfully divert myself to healthier options.</b></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #b45f06;"><b>When I encounter raw needs, I am able to recognize that what I am really seeking is closeness - I am able to reach out to others to address loneliness without turning it into desire. And when I feel I cannot reach out, or I am sad that I reach and reach, and it feels like no one is reaching back, I will study.</b></span></i><br />
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Fight depression with joy. I'm going to try my hardest!<br />
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Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-21482763570226840012019-10-08T09:33:00.001-05:002019-10-08T09:33:29.801-05:00I Am My Brother's Keeper<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4oZIpCWB1CdbaXmXWje5yW4SfR-BhGRLVtNhvCVI7HxHdYZZExP8Z5bKcPtTOBJ6Tc9KGgLJHGvKci2ow2YBz89w_-_RR1baZeiueONOeTfb3_lEOqPGulQ4RNGm17HgrJBRT-I5IIKvs/s1600/664338a3455a4fd86492ea1a83955c34.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4oZIpCWB1CdbaXmXWje5yW4SfR-BhGRLVtNhvCVI7HxHdYZZExP8Z5bKcPtTOBJ6Tc9KGgLJHGvKci2ow2YBz89w_-_RR1baZeiueONOeTfb3_lEOqPGulQ4RNGm17HgrJBRT-I5IIKvs/s1600/664338a3455a4fd86492ea1a83955c34.jpg" border="0" data-original-width="768" data-original-height="1173" width="209" height="320" class=" imageResizeTarget"></a></div><div><br></div>Yom Kippur. This is the time that we not only take personal responsibility for our wrongdoings, but also the ways in which we have missed the mark as community members in society as a whole. Over and over again in the service, we will make a group confession. "We have sinned..." And we have - individually, as a member of society, and also we take that on behalf of others who cannot say these words for a variety of reasons. We are all connected. We are all responsible for one another. One of the most powerful parts of Yom Kippur is this repetition of communal confession. Like the Shofar service on Rosh Hashana - it is a wake up call, a call to attention. Let's do a better job this year of seeing each other's missed marks as our own or in the least, be willing, like the High Priests of the past, to accept as them as our own, so that we can do the hard work of repairing G-d's innermost sanctuary. Let's use our honesty and desire, our blank slate, our newly aimed selves, to move toward a just, compassionate, and sustainable world.Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-2002304339882135262019-09-26T10:18:00.001-05:002019-09-26T10:18:10.081-05:00Teshuvah Chapter 2.1<div style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 25.5px; margin: 0px 0px 1em;">
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I wanted to study a little bit of Sefer Madda, Teshuvah specifically, between
Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. My quick thoughts are just that. Without thinking
too hard, I am reading the text, giving an initial impression, and then at some
point hope to circle back around by discussing with others, reading commentary,
and figuring it out at a deeper level. This surface summary is just a way for me
to record initial thoughts and look back later after more serious study. <br /><br />Starting after
Yom Kippur, I will be studying Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, and will more
thoroughly delve into what I learn and my reflections.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span class="co_verse" index="1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; display: inline-block; margin-right: 19.125px; text-align: justify; vertical-align: top; width: 447.525px;">Sefer Madda, Teshuvah, Chapter 2.1 </span></h2>
The full text is listed below at the end of this blog post.<br />
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<b style="text-align: justify;">SUMMARY</b><span style="text-align: justify;">: </span><br />
<span style="text-align: justify;">Complete repentance is achieved when one has the opportunity to repeat a sin and refrains from doing so. Where one refrains in old age, where ones physical desire is diminished, this is an advantageous but not a complete repentance. One who repents before dying will be forgiven for their sins.</span><br />
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<b>QUICK THOUGHTS:</b> It is interesting that it starts with who has reached "complete Teshuvah." Why not start with a definition and work up to what the concept of what "complete Teshuvah" is? </div>
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Regardless, to me, a person of high loyalty, and high expectations for myself, I find it comforting to have complete Teshuvah defined so clearly. The opportunity to repeat a sin, and refraining from doing so. Only then will complete Teshuvah be achieved. I often am sorry for actions and reactions I have, but find myself repeating those patterns over and over again. It makes me wonder if complete Teshuvah is possible at the micro-level of day-to-day living. With regard to the bigger "misses," it seems complete Teshuvah would be slightly easier to not repeat. I cannot even think of a biggie for myself, so I could be wrong. Most of my transgressions are person-to-person, on a day-to-day basis of living and interacting with others. </div>
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I don't care for the idea of being forgiven of all sins before death with a deathbed request, mainly because why do the work now if later you can just say, "Eh! I'm sorry!" and all is well? That may be simplistic thinking or reading on my part (but these are my Quick Thoughts). On the other hand, when I am old, and dying, I may find those words comforting. Still, I struggle with the concept as I apply it to myself. Loopholes are never good for me. I need a strong fence.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b>1</b></span></div>
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[Who has reached] complete <span class="glossary_item" glossary_item="17115" style="background: url("/images/1/global/glossary_underline.gif") center bottom repeat-x; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">Teshuvah</span>? A person who confronts the same situation in which he sinned when he has the potential to commit [the sin again], and, nevertheless, abstains and does not commit it because of his Teshuvah alone and not because of fear or a lack of strength.</div>
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For example, a person engaged in illicit sexual relations with a woman. Afterwards, they met in privacy, in the same country, while his love for her and physical power still persisted, and nevertheless, he abstained and did not transgress. This is a complete Baal-Teshuvah. This was implied by King <span class="glossary_item" glossary_item="18420" style="background: url("/images/1/global/glossary_underline.gif") center bottom repeat-x; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">Solomon</span> in his statement [<a href="https://www.chabad.org/16473#v1" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; text-decoration: underline;">Ecclesiastes 12:1</a>] "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, [before the bad days come and the years draw near when you will say: `I have no desire for them.'"]</div>
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If he does not repent until his old age, at a time when he is incapable of doing what he did before, even though this is not a high level of repentance, he is a Baal-Teshuvah.</div>
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Even if he transgressed throughout his entire life and repented on the day of his death and died in repentance, all his sins are forgiven as [<span class="glossary_item" glossary_item="13914" style="background: url("/images/1/global/glossary_underline.gif") center bottom repeat-x; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">Ecclesiastes</span>, <i style="box-sizing: inherit;">op. cit.</i>:2] continues: "Before the sun, the light, the moon, or the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain..." - This refers to the day of death. Thus, we can infer that if one remembers his Creator and repents before he dies, he is forgiven.</div>
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<span class="co_verse" index="1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; display: inline-block; margin-right: 19.125px; text-align: justify; vertical-align: top; width: 447.525px;"></span><span class="alternate_he" index="1" lang="he" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; direction: rtl; display: inline-block; margin-left: 19.125px; text-align: justify; vertical-align: top; width: 279.225px;"><a class="versenum" href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/911891/jewish/Teshuvah-Chapter-Two.htm#v1" id="v1" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; float: right; font-family: sbl_hebrew, "arial hebrew", arial; font-weight: 700; line-height: 4rem; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 1rem; text-decoration-line: none;">א</a></span></div>
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אי זו היא תשובה גמורה זה שבא לידו דבר שעבר בו ואפשר בידו לעשותו ופירש ולא עשה מפני התשובה לא מיראה ולא מכשלון כח כיצד הרי שבא על אשה בעבירה ולאחר זמן נתייחד עמה והוא עומד באהבתו בה ובכח גופו ובמדינה שעבר בה ופירש ולא עבר זהו בעל תשובה גמורה הוא ששלמה אמר וזכור את בוראיך בימי בחורותיך ואם לא שב אלא בימי זקנותו ובעת שאי אפשר לו לעשות מה שהיה עושה אף על פי שאינה תשובה מעולה מועלת היא לו ובעל תשובה הוא אפילו עבר כל ימיו ועשה תשובה ביום מיתתו ומת בתשובתו כל עונותיו נמחלין שנאמר עד אשר לא תחשך השמש והאור והירח והכוכבים ושבו העבים אחר הגשם שהוא יום המיתה מכלל שאם זכר בוראו ושב קודם שימות נסלח לו:</div>
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[<span style="font-size: x-small;">Full Text copied from Chabad's website: </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/911891/jewish/Teshuvah-Chapter-Two.htm#v1]</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Summary provided in part by TheLivingTree.org]</span></div>
Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-68556427149493491672019-09-02T19:00:00.000-05:002019-09-02T19:00:06.587-05:00When Grief Visits<br />
Dear L,<br />
<br />
Today, I cried. No, I sobbed. Thick-throated, wet sobbing. I read all the #flyfreedearzane. At first I thought I was crying for Zane, or for Alyssa, and definitely Joey. Then I realized I was mostly crying for you. I was crying for your pain, for your hurt, for the terrible, terrible life you were lotteried.<br />
<br />
You died alone. You died after a childhood no one should have. You died after losing your first born. You died after being raped. You died after being humiliated. Drunk. Drugged. Despised. Hurt. Abandoned. Used.<br />
<br />
You died alone. No one was holding your hand. Remembering good times. Discussing your wishes. Loving you.<br />
<br />
You died alone.<br />
<br />
I can barely tolerate to think of the end. The years long end. Especially the last six months end. The overwhelming hurt, the isolation that comes with burning every bridge in the city. The overwhelming hurt, the isolation that comes with torn childhoods. The overwhelming hurt, the isolation that comes with addiction. Self-hate. Unclear thinking. Poor choices. Mind spinning out of control impulsive needs. <br />
<br />
If only I could have been a better person. If I had snuck into the detox center. Laid in bed with you. Talked as we did at 13 when we thought we could beat our childhood abuse, when we believed we could be something, when we thought we had control of our destiny. When we used to talk about G-d. The Universe. And Love.<br />
<br />
If only I could have been a better person. If I had snuck into the detox center. Laid in bed with you. Held you close. Let you know you were loved. I know it would not have made a difference. By this time, you already knew you were leaving us. You already didn't believe. You already had cut that part of you away, that part that can function, accept love, the part that can function, and change, the part that can function, and live.<br />
<br />
You died alone.<br />
<br />
When I think of it, I break down into thick-throated, wet sobbing.<br />
<br />
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<br />Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-28138355964926227212019-09-01T22:53:00.001-05:002019-09-01T22:54:53.916-05:00An Accounting of the SoulElul is here! I welcomed it in with flu. <div><br></div><div>Sick or not, I am breaking into Elul by evulating this accouning of my soul...by evaluating my dining room. The similarities are striking. </div><div><br></div><div>As it stands, half the junk from my bedroom is now living in the dining room. I started to dejunk my bedroom, and bag up ridiculous amounts of clothing, when I became sick, some sort of flu, that maximized on Saturday morning. And so now, this room cleaning has spilled into what was my only clean room in the house - - the dining room. <div><br></div><div>This is my soul. Moving my personal junk from one room to the other, so that the one area I worked so hard on to clean and organize, is now cluttered. And it doesn't feel nice to dwell within the clutter. Internal clutter. External clutter. </div><div><br></div><div>Even as I began Elul not feeling well, I will not let that detract from what needs to be done. Before I can evaluate my misses in life, I need to get my inner and outer house in order. So that I can breathe. So that I can see myself clearly. So that I can reset my aim, and make the target.</div><div><br></div><div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJVRy54wwkRbAogIeu0DAGkCvYxv5DmOZmKNAMNRNTbn9ZiJlso6O3JvpqpBvDutSreFOP8TqUar2Tw97AzhbA3FGb-qQFR4mo233IgCjwVgvu_slKl3-zhi7AM988CWKWSjHhgWfsJJD4/s1600/bec-schopen-the-path-bluethumb-722c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJVRy54wwkRbAogIeu0DAGkCvYxv5DmOZmKNAMNRNTbn9ZiJlso6O3JvpqpBvDutSreFOP8TqUar2Tw97AzhbA3FGb-qQFR4mo233IgCjwVgvu_slKl3-zhi7AM988CWKWSjHhgWfsJJD4/s1600/bec-schopen-the-path-bluethumb-722c.jpg" border="0" data-original-width="300" data-original-height="300" width="320" height="320"></a></div><br></div></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8701953244824394077.post-204837214786049872019-08-09T18:45:00.001-05:002019-08-09T18:45:44.578-05:00Shabbat & Tisha B'AvShabbat Shalom, you fantastic humans! May we all share in a measure of rest, meaning, joy, community, and love! <div><br></div><div>After Shabbat, directly, we move into Tisha B'Av, a day of yearning, a day of focusing. Mourning focuses our attention on the deceased, and our appreciation for that individual grows. We become acutely aware how much we really want them in our lives. And the sadness comes in when we realize they are no longer here. </div><div><br></div><div>Guess what, though? G-d isn't dead. Though we mourn the destruction of temple as if G-d is not present, what would Tisha B'Av look like if we focused on what life would be like with the presence of G-d in it? What if we used our focus to realize how much we want to experience the Divine, and then set out to do just that? </div><div><br></div><div>Tonight, tomorrow, I dive into the joy that is Shabbat. Tomorrow night I mourn. And Sunday, I realize G-d did not die, and that awareness and that focus tunes me into realizing I am not mourning G-d; rather, I am seeking G-d.</div><div><br></div><div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidV6Z7QSgQF0lzAn87xqBUtd9LIuCseR27NJ_VSV6kMKk57YTp1EIwhO2byF9ghyphenhyphenJzD9egA6VaJ2i9VIXu4Idmz_he43nVAVaHLACxovRiwy18TAAVATI1Whyel8dTODJgTLqzVOa3XU1b/s1600/7064084.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidV6Z7QSgQF0lzAn87xqBUtd9LIuCseR27NJ_VSV6kMKk57YTp1EIwhO2byF9ghyphenhyphenJzD9egA6VaJ2i9VIXu4Idmz_he43nVAVaHLACxovRiwy18TAAVATI1Whyel8dTODJgTLqzVOa3XU1b/s1600/7064084.jpg" border="0" data-original-width="250" data-original-height="313" width="255" height="319" class=" " title="" alt=""></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr></tbody></table></div><br></div>Kalanithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15480077959229701636noreply@blogger.com1