Sunday, October 5, 2008

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Sometimes I wish I didn’t always feel the urge to do the right thing and be the right kind of person. My life would be less guilt-ridden and probably less complicated. But that is not who I am. I am that kind of person that wants to be a better human and though I fail often at perfection in that realm, I just keep re-evaluating myself and my actions and keep striving for what is apparently unattainable. Or at least unattainable by me so far.

My top threes right now are as follows:

Reconciling Differences
I hate it when I think of myself as being one way when in reality I am not really that way. I like to think I am a laid back, Grateful Dead type when in reality, I tend to be uptight and rigidly scheduled. How did that happen? Still, I think of myself as the former. At one time I was like that. However, now I find myself glued to my pre-arranged schedule and unable to improvise without feeling a little anxious. I am more laid back about a lot of things but when it comes to spontaneity, I really am not how I envision myself.

Debt
I always told myself I would NOT get into debt. However, here I am, with too much debt and no short term plan that can get me out of it. I am so disappointed in myself for this. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it disappear but it just doesn’t work that way. My financial position would not be so bad if I didn’t have the debt payments. It isn’t that I’m not trying to get out of debt. I am. There just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. There is simply too much to take care of it. What a shame.

Nature
There is a story that I heard during Rosh Hashanah that I cannot quite remember now…but somewhere in it Rabbi Akiva got to make the prayer or pleased G-d or something like that not because he achieved more or was more brilliant, but because he transcended his nature for a split second and did not react with anger…which for him, was his nature. For this nearly impossible feat, he was rewarded. I am often so defeated to know that the very behavior(s) I want to change and have been trying to change for years are so automatic and ingrained – so a part of my nature – that I seem to not be able to permanently change them.

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4 comments:

Heidi said...

These are really hard issues - I think we are all struggling with them. Which isn't to say we shouldn't worry, just that I feel your pain! I had this great goal to be out of debt this year - not happening. And I continue to amaze myself about how little I am living up to the standards I have been holding myself to all these years. I just want you to know how awesome WE think you are, even if you aren't where you would like to be. So many times I stop and ask myself "what would Kimber do in this situation?" Give yourself a break - you are amazing!

Mom said...

Ms. Kimmie :), I agree with Heidi completely. Also, I don't know if you know, but I share you with a lot of my friends. One time I made copies a couple of your blogs and then e-mailed them to my friends. One of them was really cute and funny and they loved it. In case you haven't noticed, I also come to you for advice on certain things...You have made yourself into an amazing person, mother, aunt and wife...of course, when I see you use humor with Rob instead of being critical...that makes me proud of you too.
YEP, U R AMAZING!!
Love, Mommy

Rhian said...

Stop being so hard on yourself! I think as mothers we want to be everything to everybody and all to all. It just isn't possible and perfectional is not attainable! I give myself a hard time alot about not being organised enough or handling the children correctly everytime! I do try, I write lists and lists but then lose them. I try to watch my short fuse everytime I hit PMT but it usually gets the better of me on one day or another! This said, I do feel it is important to keep trying and keep our goals in focus - can your imagine the alternative. I would be sitting around all day, eating chocolate, probably watching TV and losing it with the kids when they come home! Instead, I don't turn the TV on in the day, I don't buy chocolate that I like, I "schedule" tea breaks when at home so that I don't sit down! Like you, I find comfort in routine and as much as I try to be laid back about things, I'm generally not. From all I have read about you and heard from you very proud Mom, I am glad to say that you were my best friend and that we are now connected again! Go look in a mirror and tell yourself you are gorgeous and great, even if you don't feel like it. xx

rach said...

I have to say that I agree with Heidi... these are all difficult issues and we struggle with them not only to make ourselves better but to be good role models for our children as well. But just know that the fact that you struggle with these issues and make good choices and love your family and friends so much does rub off on your daughter and WE see it too!