Sometimes I wish I didn’t always feel the urge to do the right thing and be the right kind of person. My life would be less guilt-ridden and probably less complicated. But that is not who I am. I am that kind of person that wants to be a better human and though I fail often at perfection in that realm, I just keep re-evaluating myself and my actions and keep striving for what is apparently unattainable. Or at least unattainable by me so far.
My top threes right now are as follows:
I hate it when I think of myself as being one way when in reality I am not really that way. I like to think I am a laid back, Grateful Dead type when in reality, I tend to be uptight and rigidly scheduled. How did that happen? Still, I think of myself as the former. At one time I was like that. However, now I find myself glued to my pre-arranged schedule and unable to improvise without feeling a little anxious. I am more laid back about a lot of things but when it comes to spontaneity, I really am not how I envision myself.
I always told myself I would NOT get into debt. However, here I am, with too much debt and no short term plan that can get me out of it. I am so disappointed in myself for this. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it disappear but it just doesn’t work that way. My financial position would not be so bad if I didn’t have the debt payments. It isn’t that I’m not trying to get out of debt. I am. There just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. There is simply too much to take care of it. What a shame.
There is a story that I heard during Rosh Hashanah that I cannot quite remember now…but somewhere in it Rabbi Akiva got to make the prayer or pleased G-d or something like that not because he achieved more or was more brilliant, but because he transcended his nature for a split second and did not react with anger…which for him, was his nature. For this nearly impossible feat, he was rewarded. I am often so defeated to know that the very behavior(s) I want to change and have been trying to change for years are so automatic and ingrained – so a part of my nature – that I seem to not be able to permanently change them.