This Place


I’d like to think that if I wasn’t still experiencing pregnancy symptoms, it would be a little easier to stay out of denial. I am still having morning sickness. I threw up twice today. I am exhausted and do not feel prepared to cope. I have been lying in bed all day and I just want to continue in this way. I lay here and my belly is still bigger than it should be. I am no closer to making “the decision” than I was yesterday, or the day before.

I feel like my family has moved on but I am still stuck here, in this place, this dark place.

If I am distracted, I am good. When I am not, I am not so good. I am a master at distracting myself, though, which for the short-term can work in my favor. I fluctuate between telling myself to get over it and telling myself to take my time.

I have been sipping on Coke to settle my stomach, and I feel guilty for drinking caffeine. I did at least get up and take a shower today. That counts for something, right?