Almost a Year

Almost a year since I miscarried.  In some ways, it seems very distant.  In others, it is hard to believe that a year has gone by.  It is even harder to grasp that my baby-making days are over.  I am struggling with this.  Having a core group of friends with 5 to 7 or so years left of baby-making doesn't really make it any easier. 

I think this is part of why I want a wanted a puppy.  I know that sounds strange, to deflect in such a way.  And it isn't that Neviyah, and Alia and Chandler aren't enough because truly, my family is exactly how it is meant to be.  Clearly.  It is just that I feel something like an ache or more accurately, something that I cannot describe deeply within me.

I was thinking today how different my life would be if I had not had two miscarriages.  I would have a 16-year old and an infant.  Four children.  Wow!  I always thought I would have 6 kids.  Really! Ask my parents and siblings! When I was younger, I said I wanted six.  Well, I guess in a round about way, I will have a mix of six:  three kids and three dogs!

We found out today a few things:  First, our puppy's sister (Abigail) died of pneumonia either yesterday or today.  If you remember, originally she was my first choice.  However, she was put on medical hold and we went with Motek.  Second, our "5-month old puppy" is the size of a small lab.  What?!  My big little sweetie!
I am so excited to meet her. Rob is leaving Friday to drive straight through to Colorado.  After Shabbat, he will pick up Motek, our new puppy, and bring her home. They should arrive in the wee hours Sunday/Monday.

In the middle of writing this blog entry Rob came in with the mail and handed me a small mail package.  We were wondering...who is this from?  Inside, a beautiful necklace, a certificate with my Hebrew birth date on it and a card from the Women's Chai Circle (Chabad of Chesterfield) and Chana'la!  Wow...I love it.  This came at such a good time.  To tell you the truth, I didn't realize my Hebrew birthday was in a few days.  This has really brightened my day!!!


Kalanit said…
I am older than I thought. Rob has corrected me. I would have had a 19 year old. My first miscarriage was when we were 22 years old.
Anonymous said…
That is a beautiful necklace!!

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. I know it's so very difficult. I miscarried last May and it was my first pregnancy. I can safety say I hope I never have to go through that again.

I'm guessing your puppy is going to be a big girl :-)
Anonymous said…
I have that necklace too! E