How does one blog about closely personal things? For close to 10 years, I blogged on a private blog with a large readership but none whom I socialized with regularly and none of my family (extended or otherwise) knew of it. Obviously, it is quite easy to blog under those circumstances, and turn oneself inside out. Facebook has transformed that, along with my struggles this time around to get and maintain readership.
As some of you know, our family has gone through a large transition, an unfortunate and less than ideal situation. On top of that, the business is slow, the finances are not exactly comfortable, and the dogs (all three) are sick with the newest member, Motek, being really sick. In the middle of all of this, an educational evaluation was made of our oldest daughter and the results indicated some concerns in the area of motivation, anxiety and attention.
Even with all of that going on, I am trying (always trying) to stay true to myself, make good decisions for my family and keep emotions at bay. In my private moments, I wish I didn't have to be the one to be in charge of all of this. I wish I could fall apart and it would be okay if I did. I wish I could win the lottery, move away, start over. In other moments, I am proud that I am able to swallow these feelings and proceed in a logical and hopefully loving way, despite feeling screwed over a lot of the time, especially as it relates to the transition.
My life has always been a "when it rains, it pours." I can deal with it. I don't have any other choice, really. I am glad that I have some exceptionally great friends who have really taken the initiative to say and do caring things for me. It really makes me a grateful and realize how incredibly blessed I am even if at times it can seem a bit overwhelming.
I am sure this is nothing special -- we all have stress, things that come up, challenges. They are different for each of us, sure, but they exist. Sometimes it is in the financial area, friendships, family, work, kids, marriage, spirituality. Sometimes it is some or all of those things. I really believe that our responses to life in these challenging times is important. I am also conscious that I am an example to my children.
So, really, it is not all doom and gloom. Except for the small break down at shul the other day and maybe a few zombi days at work, you really might be hard pressed to know that there is so much going on right now. Despite confiding the worst-case-scenarios that go through my brain to a select few, I am pretty positive despite all of this. Life moves forward, and I have a beautiful family, a caring community, a great bunch of friends, and a lot to smile about.