It makes me sad sometimes to look back.  To realize what a delusion I was living. To realize I really was alone.

It breaks my heart, really.

In my child's eye, I see myself as just reaching for the person or persons who will be there. Really be there.

But it never works out that way.

There is no security. In partnering. In friendships. In finances. In parenting.

At these moments, I try to convince myself to breathe. To find the positive. To try to make the good outweigh the bad. Even if the scales don't match.  Even if it isn't possible.


Just now, I close my eyes. I fight the rising anxiety. I swallow the fear.  I keep the Knowing at bay.