It is almost Rosh Hashanah again, and yes, I have missed the mark many times over. This past year has been difficult for me, almost more so than when I was in crises mode. As daily life moves on, and as strong support goes to the way side, I have to rely on myself.
In this self reliance, I have endured and re-found my strength, although most days are lonely and a struggle. I have also taken the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, some of whom have been there for me in ways I could never imagine - helping the loneliness melt away, helping to reduce the depressed feelings that seems to come and go randomly.
Also, I have tried hard to keep my eyes open to the ways in which I have missed the mark - as a spouse in a fragile situation, as a parent, as a decent human being, as a consumer... Adjustments are hard to make, especially when they require change and work and reflection and judgement and doing the right thing.
In a parallel universe, I would be back to my "old" life where things seemed easy. The truth is, though, that it was rough even then. There were challenges - just different ones. Every moment is an opportunity to grow. Growth doesn't always feel good. Growth isn't always fruit bearing in the first year. Growth sometimes is hard to see, but easy to feel the aches and pains.
Even in this space within which I dwell, my heart swells with love - for the Universe, for people (flaws and all), and for life (its potential, its hope).
Thanks to everyone who has looked out for me these last few months...called, extended their circle, recognized my fragility, didn't take personally my need for aloneness but also didn't leave me there for extended periods of time, made me feel important and loved, and sent me that wonderful energy.
My blessing for myself this year is to hit the target. May we all be blessed with making the mark in the areas of our life that need it.