The Struggle is Real

There is an elephant in the room. Can you see it? It is there. It is this thing that has been going on with me, intensely for a few months now. It is something that I find myself feeling highly self-critical about. It is this struggle I have been engaged in that looks, moves, and sounds like depression. It involves a lot of tears, a lot of lying in bed, a lot of not taking care of the house - cleaning, laundry, it involves not being motivated in any area of life.

If you know anything about me, you know I have had quite a few hurdles in my lifetime. Major ones. I somehow made it through with no real damage to myself, no real "depression" to speak of. This time around, for whatever reason, I was having some trouble getting over the mountain of life. I was climbing and climbing and then decided to just stop, sit, and go no further. And that is where I have been stuck. On the side of the mountain.

Image result for stuck on mountain of life painting

I could see I had given up, but instead of doing something about it, I was pretty hard on myself. I was hugely disappointed that I wasn't doing what I normally do - keep climbing! I always keep climbing! And so it took a quiz from my sister to knock me back to reality.

In the last year...
  • My best childhood friend's son died of a drug overdose.
  • I went from married to separated.
  • My Great Pyr unexpectedly got sick and died.
  • My Jack Russell unexpectedly got sick and died.
  • My best childhood friend died.
  • A mensch in the community was killed by a drunk driver.
  • I went from separated to divorced.
  • I went from working 1/4 time and homeschooling to working 1/2 time to homeschooling, and the financial and time transition has not been easy for me. 
In the last two years, you can add...
  • A friend died after a heart transplant
In the last five years, you can add...
  • I moved residences
  • I went from married to separated
  • I went from separated to giving it another shot
  • I went from working full time to working 1/4 time, and starting homeschooling my youngest
For the stress test...that pretty much puts me off the charts.

And so... I am going to cut myself a break for falling down on the Life job. I have already taken steps to stand back up, and I am slowing making my way up the mountain again, taking breaks here and there...and finding ways to be healthy or at least healthier. 

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