Friday, January 28, 2011

Pushing the Limits

It has been almost two weeks that I have not worn a head covering or hat (except for sporadically).  I have been playing with jeans-wear with the only pair I have.  I have pulled on the tights and worn skirts to the knee.  Has anyone noticed?

My daughter told me I looked beautiful.  My husband likes seeing my hair.  My son told me I looked like a Russian whore.  Can't please everyone.

The sky hasn't fallen.  The house didn't cave in.  Bad luck has not befallen us.

What does this mean?  To not cover. To redefine modesty in terms of your 41-year old re-evaluation.  What does it mean to have your Judaism on the outside match that of your Judaism on the inside?  Or reverse that.  What does it mean to have the Judaism on your inside match that of your Judaism on the outside?

Is it sensible to dress frum when you have to drive to shul?  Does it makes sense to cover your head so that everyone assumes you are some kind of Christian fundie (because surely you aren't Jewish)?  Does the desire you display on the outside ever get to become the Judaism you long for on the inside, when you are me?

Time for change.  Soul searching.  Looking deeply.  Outside/inside. They should match--this I know.  So stepping back...match now...to match now, what has to happen? Today. Where I am. Now.

1 comment:

Alli said...

Kimber-I feel your angst. My Judaism inside has never matched my Judaism outside. It's a struggle, but I think Hashem wants me to struggle. To remind me that it's not always easy... keep working at it... keep being me and don't judge or let others judge me. Lighting candles on Friday nights with AJ is the moment I live for all week long. I wish I would do more, but for now.... this is who I am.